Since almost immediately after MUMS was approved, I had been playing phone tag with two people who heard about the group and wanted to have me on their radio show out of Cincinnati. In their first message to me they said "we thrive on this stuff," so I knew the standards for the show weren't terribly high.

After more than a month, we finally worked out a time for me to be interviewed over the phone on the air. I had a feeling it was going to be the radio equivalent of a sensationalist talk show. Boy, was I right.

At first they got basic information from me and about the club, then they started asking their wacky and crazy radio DJ questions. I, of course, indulged them - within reason - but the whole time I was laughing at them to the other people that were in the room with me at the time. They asked me if I had a girlfriend, to which I said that I wasn't currently dating anyone. They asked if the members of MUMS all watched Star Trek and played Dungeons & Dragons, to which I said we had a diverse membership. They asked if we had any "cool" members like "frat guys or football players," to which I said that their definition of "cool" was relative. This whole time, I could hear one of them in the background saying things like "This guy is so weird!" to each of the answers I gave.

I realized I was giving them a rather boring interview, but I was trying to be as diplomatic with MUMS as possible. I answered their personal questions about me, though. They asked me how often I masturbated, I told them, and then they asked what I thought about when I did it, "girls on campus, or celebrities?" That's it. Those were my two choices. I figured they really didn't want to hear about some of the fantasies I actually do have, so I said something about being involved with the act in and of itself, or something like that.

Transcript of the MUMS interview on The Chris & Rob Late Night Talk Show - December 5, 1995

[Note: I'm not really sure who was Chris and who was Rob throughout the interview. They both acted and sounded pretty much the same. I made my best guesses. I'm fairly certain who I was, though.]

• [goofy music in the background throughout]
• CHRIS: Right now, we're going to talk to... did you get...?
• JASON: Hello.
• ROB: Hey, he's there!
• C: Okay, Jason's there, okay. We're going to talk to Jason Pfaff... am I saying the last name right?
• R: How do you say your name... turn him on! How do you say your last name?
• J: Jason Pfaff
• C: Pfaff. Okay. We have on the line Jason Pfaff. Now, Jason Pfaff is the president of an organization on the campus of Miami University in Oxford, Ohio... just a few miles up north of Cincinnati...
• R: And if you think of Oxford, you think of Miami University, you think of the Harvard of the Midwest, you think of studying the classics... Greek, Latin...
• J: *I* don't think of that.
• R: Okay... so... so... uh... you think of dollar beer night at the Hole in the Wall...
• J: [laughter]
• R: So tell us, Jason, what are you the president of?
• J: I am the president of The Miami University Masturbation Society.
• C: [yelling] Wow!
• J: We call ourselves "MUMS".
• R: MUMS..
• J: MUMS' the word.
• C: Now, is this.. is this an official accredited extra-curricular organization on campus?
• J: Oh.. oh, yes. We finally got recognized about a month and a half ago.
• C: How.. how'd you get a.. Mi.. a Masturbation Society.. Mast.. uh.. I can't even talk.
• J: [laughter]
• R: Masturbation Society.
• C: How do you get a Masturbation Society recognized officially on campus?
• J: Uh, we pretty much, uh, read what the criteria were, and followed them, and didn't violate it, and.. and that's pretty much.. there are very few criteria.
• C: Okay, what are the criteria?
• J: Um, you can't discriminate against anyone... and... that's about it, really. [laughs]
• R: That's right, 'cause everybody can masturbate.
• C: So how often do you meet?
• J: Uh, we actually... this year we haven't had any meetings, last year we had weekly meetings.
• C: How often do you masturbate?
• J: How often do *I*..? Oh.. about every day, really.
• C: Once a day, or maybe multiple times each day?
• J: Average about once or twice.
• C: Once or twice a day.
• R: So why do you need a.. uh, a support group, or just a, uh, group to get together? Do you.. do you swap techniques, or...?
• J: We've, uh, we've done that, yes.
• R: Do you just talk about rights and stuff?
• J: People have brought in, like, different toys and stuff to, uh, to share what they had... well, also we talk about... um, 'cause also, we, like, just really pissed off everyone up here... can I say that? Ah, I guess I just did...
• C: Oh, well you just did it to make everybody mad?
• J: [laughs] It's made a lot of people...
• C: I saw some of the letters to The Miami Student, and I think some people were pretty mad.
• J: Yep. And so there's also that aspect, which is just kind of fun to deal with that, and sort of... 'cause we're legal by every sense, but people have a.. a moral problem with it. And they're trying to get us kicked off campus on those grounds, so we're trying to, uh... prove a point, saying how...
• C: Now, Jason, what's so immoral about masturbation?
• J: Uh.. that's.. I don't know. That's what people have... some religious aspects... some say it's ruining our reputation, and things like that.
• C: Well, you got to admit it's kind of silly.
• J: Yeah, it is kind of silly, yeah.
• C: Was this like a protest of some of the other organizations that you thought were silly?
• J: Ah, well, it's kind of... actually, it started out as a joke, and then some organizations that were pretty silly got approved, so I thought, "Hey. If they can get approved, I can get approved."
• R: Like who?
• J: Um, there's one.. an RA got his.. got his corridor approved, which is kind of dumb.
• C: A Resident Advisor got his hallway full of dorm students approved as an organization?
• J: Yeah.
• C: Can they receive general funding assistance?
• J: They.. they have.. they could apply for funding, they haven't done that... those.. those are separate processes, but they can get a car pass now, and they can get all sorts of crazy things like that.
• C: Jason, do you have a girlfriend?
• J: Uhm... no, I'm single right now.
• R: No wonder.
• R: He's a big Rocky Horror guy, too, aren't you?
• J: Yeah.
• C: So, is this like a dorky thing, like only dorks join the Masturbation Society?
• J: Oooooh, no, we've got a... a *wide* range of people who join.
• C: A lot of Star Trek people join this thing?
• J: I'm... I'm sure some people are into Star Trek.
• C: People who play a lot of Dungeons and Dragons?
• J: [laughter]
• R: Everybody's into Star Trek, though, Chris, so don't even pretend.
• J: We've... we've got the... we've got the geek element, we've also got other elements, too.
• C: Okay. Hey, here's the question. Are there any *cool* people who are part of The Miami University Masturbation Society? Any jocks, any football players?
• R: [sarcastically] Oh, those guys are cool.
• C: Any frat boys?
• R: [even more sarcastically] Oh, those guys are cool!
• J: [laughing] I think it's subjective as to what's cool and what's not.
• C: And are there any stoners in .. who are members?
• J: Oh, yes.
• C: [pause, then laughter] Oh, yes.. Oh, yes.
• J: Of course, that's who I hang out with.
• R: Now Chris is ready to sign up for classes.
• C: So how many people are members?
• J: Um, last year we did a count of about fifty or so. This year we haven't done a drive yet, but we could probably get a bunch more.
• R: Do you... do you have, like, a.. a.. an alma mater song you sing at the end of every meeting?
• J: Uh, not yet. Our.. our motto, though, is "If it feels good, do it." And, we have some songs we like, like Michael Jackson's "Beat It"... and, uh... um...
• C: "Turning Japanese"...
• J: [laughs] Sure...
• C: "Blister in the Sun"...
• J: Billy Idol's "Dancing With Myself"... things like that, you know.
• R: Don't forget "The Hand Jive"...
• J: [laughing] Yeah, "The Hand Jive". That's a good one. There you go.
• C: There's also that song, "Pictures of Lily" by The Who.
• J: [pause] Sure, yeah.
• C: Okay, all of these songs I did not bring to the station tonight.
• J: [laughter]
• R: Which ones did you bring?
• C: I didn't bring any of them. So anyhow, Jason, if you want to join, how do you join up, and is there any hazing?
• J: Um, you... you give me a call, or... or, when we have a meeting, you go to a meeting and say you want to join, and, uh, hazing, actually, is illegal, and since we're being scrutinized pretty closely, we wouldn't be able to do anything like that.
• R: Jason, do you think of, uh, girls there on campus, or do you think of celebrities?
• J: What do you mean?
• R: You know what I mean.
• J: Oh! Oh, um, I... You know, it's an act in and of itself, and so I kind of just concentrate on that, and I, uh...
• R: [distdainfully] Oh my god, you don't even have... you don't even think of somebody?
• J: [laughter]
• C: This guy's weird, Rob!
• R: [laughter] You just think of your own hand?
• J: Uh... sometimes, you know, I think of different people and stuff... It depends on my mood of... It depends on my mood at the time.
• C: So is this more of a support group where the members stand up and say, "Hi, my name is Felix, and I masturbate," or is this more like...
• J: We don't have anyone named Felix in the group.
• C: [slightly annoyed] Well, you know what I'm saying.
• J: [laughter]
• C: Or is this more of, like, a... research organization where you guys try to find new and better ways of performing the act?
• R: [laughing] With a wool sock...
• J: [laughing] There.. there ya go! It's... it's kind of... it encompasses everything. There is, like, you know, there are some people who are uncomfortable, and we talk with them and get them comfortable. Uh, some people have asked me how to get their boyfriends or girlfriends to, uh, be more comfortable with masturbation, and, uh... yeah, training techniques, and things like that. We have a good time.
• R: Well, you know what one the best things about masturbation is... if your mate wis trying to force you to have sex, and you don't want to have sex, and if you know that they know how to masturbate, you can simply tell them, please leave the room, go masturbate, and come back and we'll have a reasonable discussion.
• J: Or.. or stay in the room, even. That could be fun, too.
• R: Well, I don't know about that...
• C: This guy's weird, Rob.
• R: Is this... do you end every meeting with a big circle jerk?
• J: Uh, no, we haven't...
• C: I can't believe you said that!
• J: [laughs] We haven't done that yet. I'm not sure if I'd want to do that sort of thing, but if members want to do that, hey, by all means I'd encourage it.
• R: How many alternative terms do you have for the act?
• J: Oh... there are... there are so many... um...
• R: Run down as many as you can think of.
• J: I can think of off the top of my head? Oh, sh... I had a list somewhere, like, you know... spankin' the monkey... uh... the whole Rosy... like, the obvious ones, like Rosy Palms...
• R: Okay, everybody knows, I'm talking about the real funny ones like burpin' the worm.
• J: Uh...
• R: Or waxing the dolphin.
• J: I had a list somewhere, I can't really think of any offhand.
• R: You're the president of the organization!
• J: I know, I know...
• R: You should be good at this stuff!
• J: Hey... [firmly] It's late. You know, I've been working all day.
• R: How long's it been since the last time you masturbated?
• J: Uh... this morning, actually.
• R: This morning. So it's been almost fifteen hours.
• C: [laughs]
• J: Yeah, it's been a while, I'm gettin' kind of... [laughs]
• R: Are you going to masturbate right after this phone call?
• J: Oh, probably not, no.
• R: Probably not. You're going to wait 'til tomorrow morning?
• J: I... uh... we'll see how the night goes.
• R: So are you kind of like a morning masturbator?
• J: Um, pretty much whenever I... whenever I find the time and have the urge.
• R: There you go, if it feels good, do it.
• J: Exactly.
• R: Do you ever do it in any public places?
• J: Uh.. yeah.
• R: Hey, see, now you can get in trouble for that, that's against the law.
• J: I could get in trouble for that, but, uh, just saying it... I can't... just saying it doesn't incrimidate me.
• C: Now, you know that there is a guy up there at the campus of Miami University that waits for a co-ed - that's the old-fashioned term for a female student - he waits for a co-ed to bend over getting into her car. She runs.. he runs up from behind, grabs her breasts, and then runs away.
• J: Yeah, I did...
• C: Have you heard about that guy?
• J: Yeah, I heard about that guy.
• R: Is that you?
• J: That's not me, no. See, that's the whole thing.. masturbation - you don't need anyone else. It's just yourself, you don't need to go bother...
• C: Jason, what year are you up there at school?
• J: I'm a senior.
• C: You're a senior. And what's your major?
• J: Architecture.
• C: Architecture. And you're going to graduate on time?
• J: Hopefully.
• C: Do you have anything better to do with your spare time than start a masturbation organization?
• J: Yeah, I probably do.
• C: Like, why aren't you doing it, then?
• J: Um... it just kind of... I like to annoy the administration. That was one thing, to just kind of prove a point. And just have some fun. I figure I'm young, I'm in college, I might as well do some goofy things.
• R: Nobody ever graduates from Miami in eight semesters.
• J: Well, I actually might do that...
• R: No, you're going to get closed out of every course next semester, don't worry about it.
• J: I might.
• R: All right, well, thanks a lot, Jason, and good luck with The Miami University Masturbation Society. MUMS' the word.
• J: Ah, thanks very much.
• R: If it feels good, do it.
• J: Yeah.
• R: All right.
• J: All right, bye.
• R: Let's do the Time Warp again.
• J: Oh, yeah.
• R: Later.
• J: [laughing] Bye.

I always used to wonder what would inspire someone to be on a radio or television show like that. They were making fun of me in the tone of their voice, and I'm sure they got some phone calls after they hung up with me. I liked to think, though, that this was a bit different than most of the interviews on this type of show, in that I was aware of what was going on and was making fun of them in my own subtle way, even though they didn't know it.

Oh, well, it was just one radio show.